An Emmy Rant

Emmys, we need to talk. I really have loved your praise of well-crafted, intelligent shows and your inclusion of more and more people of color, and you’re rewarding of networks that allow writers and directors free range to create honest art.

Now that the gross niceties are out of the way…

What the hell is wrong with you, Emmys? If you haven’t seen the list, here is Variety’s Posting of the Full List.

I’d like to start with Uzo Abuda and how incredible she is. I have loved Crazy Eyes from the moment I laid my crazy eyes, upon her crazy eyes. She is always owed a great deal of praise for the performances she gives year in and year out. I will never be mad at a nomination for her. But I feel like something…someone…maybe…is missing. Did they happen to watch this past season of Orange Is The New Black before making these nominations?

Did they laugh along with Taystee while she would nail her sassy and comedic dance moves and deliver one-liners that tickle to the core? Did they do this, only for moments later to be in tears; sobbing in the corner, rocking themselves to sleep in fetal position because they literally COULD NOT with Taystee’s heart wrenching monologues about the death of Poussey and the inequality and tragic hardships minorities are suffering every day? Did they not get goosebumps every time her eyes would well up with tears that she had been fighting to hold back and stay strong? Did they not sit in anxious anticipation every time she walked into frame, because they knew that she was about to create magic on their TV screens?


They didn’t do any of those things?


Yeah, okay.


Danielle Brooks delivered so many powerful performances in this past season of OITNB that I can’t keep track of them at this point. Basically every time Taystee spoke this season, this was my chart of emotions:

-“Oh God. I think I might cry.”
-“Okay, I literally can’t stop crying.”
-“Well I think I stopped crying. But only because I am paralyzed. Oh no. I cannot move. I can’t stop staring at the screen. I am stuck in a paralyzed state of emotions raging through my completely still body.”
(The episode ends)
(4 hours go by)
(I come to, as if a hypnotist just said my trigger word to wake me. Side note: my trigger word is most definitely ‘Sarsaparilla’)
-“Well she is definitely getting an Emmy.”
(I eat my feelings until sweet slumber takes me away to dream about how good Danielle Brooks is)

If you watched Danielle Brooks this season and did not feel those exact emotions and ride that rollercoaster; then you are probably dead inside and will become a notorious serial killer and don’t say I didn’t warn you.  Taystee always provides unprecendented levels of laughter and shockingly beautiful sadness, but this season she was on another level. And to not acknowledge that with a nomination is a damn shame. Cue the Shame Nun from Game of Thrones

Also worth mentioning that GOT is not nominated for 70 million awards this year because of their late release date. Which by the way guys…IT’S HAPPENING. It’s all happening. This weekend. #khaleesiforever

Next, let’s move onto another show that was ineligible. Let’s move onto how I want to punch BBC in the face for pushing back the release date of Orphan Black and making Tatiana Maslany ineligible for nomination. They missed the cutoff, due to their release date being later in the year than normal this year.

This year. Of all years. The final season. Emmys, let’s just get real: she plays like 10,000 characters with poise, brilliance, and insane levels of commitment. Make an exception. New rule! I shall like to made an addendum to Emmy law: If on average, you convincingly play more than 3-4 different characters in an episode and over a dozen throughout the show’s existence…YOU GET TO DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT AND WE WILL ALWAYS NOMINATE YOU.

Sorry. I didn’t mean to boast my extensive knowledge of legal jargon. Ugh. So arrogant, sorry. I need to listen to Kendrick. Be humble. Sit down.

The last major sticking point for me this year were the multiple nominations for some of the ladies of Saturday Night Live.

Kate McKinnon – DUH. She is a force who cannot be stopped and has brought so much comedic talent, charm, and brilliance into our lives that she should be immortalized. Excellent nomination. Excellent human. Kate, please be my best friend forever and live in my pocket.

Vanessa Bayer – DUH…and thank you! Whether she is needed to be a supporting player, or the star of the sketch; she always delivers flawless performances. Her characters are lovably hilarious, her screen presence is undeniably captivating, and her smile will make you want to go hug 1000’s of puppies. This was her farewell season, and to see her get a nomination for this season makes my insides feel just as happy and warm as her majestic smile.

Leslie Jones – It’s great that we are able to see a story such as hers. Dream big, guys. Because if someone who constantly breaks, stumbles on lines, stares directly at cue cards, loses her blocking, and can’t play a character outside of the realm of screaming at people can get an Emmy nom…you can too!

Harsh, Maestri!

But it’s true. I’m sorry, I would have really loved it if Leslie stuck to writing and to stand up. When Leslie is being Leslie, she is hilarious and committed. Sure, I get a bit burnt out on her style after a while, because personally that’s not really my jam. But her talent in that arena in undeniable. When she is not yelling into camera on Weekend Update, or playing a sexually aggressive character in a sketch…it’s as if she has never been on camera before. And even when she gets to play those “Leslie-esque” characters, you can pretty much bet on the fact that she is going to break or step on a line. I. Do. Not. Get. It.

Everyone loves a good “break” now and again. A chuckle here, a smirk there, a serving of Jimmy Fallon giggles from time to time, an epic ‘Debbie Downer’ moment once every couple of years. But when you haven’t even been on the show for that long, and I immediately associate you with breaking or flubbing a line; that is supes annoying. Even more annoying than when people use the word “supes”. Totes? Totes.

You want to nominate a third SNL heavy hitter…look at Cecily Strong. Look at Beck Bennett. Look at Bobby Moynihan. Any one of them would be a deserving nominee to sit next to Kate and Vanessa. (I know Beck and Bobby are men. They would be in the actor category. Get off my shit.) Cecily had yet another amazing season. Give that girl some golden hardware.

Whew. That felt good.

For real though…here are some things I actually do like about these Emmy nominations!

Master of None: Season Two was IN-SANE. I would love to see them clean up. The show, Aziz, and the writing all deserve all of the things. From beginning to end, this was a superb season filled with smart and poignant comedy and commentary.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Give her everything. Now.

Drama Actor: Tough category but Kevin Spacey is terrifying and terrifyingly good this year on House of Cards. Also, I want to do so many dirty things to Milo Ventimiglia. I suppose that’s unrelated to this, specifically.

Limited Series: This is mean and unfair and mean and unfair. To have only one winner with Big Little Lies and The Night Of in one category is just cruel. Maybe it can be like the Oscars when two accepting teams were on stage…but this time one won’t be kicked off. Everyone wins!! (Except LaLa Land. Sorry, LaLa Land. I still love you xo)

Limited Series Actor & Actress: What even?? Have you seen the lists?? They all win. Cue Oprah. You get an Emmy! And you get an Emmy! And you get an Emmy!

Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series: Outside of Leslie Jones, this is a stacked category and it makes me so happy. It makes me Vanessa-Bayer-Smile-Happy. So, yeah you can probably guess who I am leaning towards on this one. I’d love to see Vanessa get it. But with such a stellar group of funny ladies I would be happy for any one of them, other than the one who shall not be named. (I’M TALKING ABOUT LESLIE)

Reality Competition: You can all fuck off.

Directing For a Drama & Comedy Series: Four female directors between them. Keep ‘em coming, ladies.

Donald Glover: You do you, boo. I love you. *face caress*

Well now that I have had my internet therapy for the day by ranting to a bunch of internet strangers while they scroll through their phones and avoid their loved ones; I will go have my real-life therapy, and rant to a bunch of real-life strangers while they scroll through their phones and avoid their loved ones…and the crazy girl yelling at them about TV while they are in line at Starbucks.