My First Job (con’t) The Adventures of Amy and JoJo

A few disclaimers to begin: If you have not read my entry “My First Job”, you will not understand a lot of this. Also as much as you may be led to believe it by the title; this is not a story about cartoon characters named Amy and JoJo. We are real people. Thank you for your time.

Last time I spoke of Byrne Dairy and my first job I had told you about my buddy Scruffy Tubs. I think it is appropriate we start this off with a good Tubs story. There were two restrooms in the store, both single stall, one for men and one for women. When the women’s was out of order we were obviously forced to use the men’s. When I was in there one time I noticed the paper towel dispenser was missing and instead there was just a giant gaping hole in the wall. If you are thinking Scruffy Tubs may have something to do with this, you are correct. I came out and asked Hot Boss what had happened. Hot Boss turns into a 12 year old girl sometimes with giggle fits and this was one of those times. (Quite Anderson Cooper-esque) He shuffled me into the back room giggling and then proceeded to tell me what happened.  Scruffy Tubs was in the bathroom and there was no one in the store other than him and Hot Boss. All of a sudden Hot Boss heard a crashing sound and Tubs screaming and groaning. Then he heard nothing for a couple minutes, then some more groaning and now swearing. Soon, Scruffy came around the corner from the restrooms with that look that your dog gives you when they have just come from eating your shoe or pissing all over your carpet. With his tail between his legs Scruffy Tubs said, “So, uh, boss. Uh, I um, da paper towel dispensa, uh well it’s not in da wall no mo’. See, da floor was wet and I uh, well I slipped and da paper towel dispensa broke my fall. But then it came outta da wall and then I kept fallin. And then it fell on top a me. So there’s no mo’ paper towel dispensa.” After hearing this, if I was having a bad day I would just walk past the rest room to remind myself of such a glorious story and it was an immediate pick me up.

JoJo and I were becoming better and better friends and we started hanging out outside of work. We were tired of only sharing experiences such as Tubs mooning us or Witchcraft trying to put a spell on us. Or the crazy mom of the group, who I affectionately referred to last time as Pecan Glasses (Due to her smearing pecan ice cream all over her glasses and still wearing them) telling us we shouldn’t be drinking beer in the cooler.  So we began setting out on our own adventures which normally consisted of us crashing someone’s party, creating our own party, stealing beer and dressing in Mexican ponchos and sombreros of course. One specific experience comes to mind right away. JoJo and I had enjoyed one of our normal evenings of going to a party and mooching off of everyone before going back to my house. We decided we weren’t done for the evening and wanted to have a camp fire. We had a fire pit in my back yard and were all about continuing drinking and lighting that bitch up. The problem being; neither of us could make a fire that lasted more than 30 seconds. If we were lost in the woods together I would give us roughly a day and a half before death occurs. We would build up the logs and toss a match or two in and then some news paper but it just would never catch. So being the drunken resourceful little thinker that I am, I went inside and grabbed anything I could find in an aerosol can that said “Highly Flammable”. When I came back out I just started spraying everything in the fire pit with said cans, took another sip of beer, prayed to the fire gods, and then tossed a match in. It basically created 4 seconds of massive flames which tried attacking my face and then went back to nothing. Fail. But after some perseverance, another 6 pack between us, and some more flammable liquids we finally had a fire going.

We were sitting on a picnic bench with our backs to the fire having a few drinks. All I can really say about what happened next is that gravity and I were just not on the same page that night.  Gravity won. To be fair, gravity had a 12 pack on its side working against me as well. I fell backwards, basically inches from the fire. My legs were still up on the picnic bench while my elbows were holding my body up from lying in fire basically. JoJo decided as this was all happening that she had to pee. This couldn’t wait apparently. Not only did she choose the bathroom over her fallen sidekick, but she chose it while laughing hysterically at me lying in a fire. Granted, I was laughing as well. I’ll be fair here; it wasn’t like I was being burned at the stake when she left. I was a moderately safe distance from the flames. So as I lay in my back yard, by myself, at 3am, inches from flames eating my face; I thought about my options. I realized if I moved either of my arms it would result in me falling directly into the flames because they were all that was supporting me. I also realized I was way too drunk to navigate this situation on my own. I don’t make the best decisions sober, so when I need to make them while drinking I usually just don’t decide and wait for someone else to do it for me. But once again, being the smart little drunken resourceful thinker that I am, I discovered a beer close by. It was close enough that I could keep my arm planted to hold my body away from ensuing death, but also grab the refreshing beverage. I mean, I was lying in a fire…it was hot, give me a break. So when JoJo came back out she found me still lying in the fire pit, but drinking a beer. As she continued hysterically laughing at me she came over to help now that her bladder was empty and she was capable of doing such. Thanks JoJo, you saved not only me, but also that Bud Light. You’re a true friend for life.

When we weren’t crusading around town dressing as Mexicans and drinking we were back to the grind at work watching the circus ensue. Pecan Glasses and Scruffy Tubs were working the ice cream stand one night and they were both on their ‘A’ game. Pecan Glasses no longer wanted to be Pecan Glasses. She had gotten contacts but still hadn’t mastered them. When I say she hadn’t mastered them I mean she looked like a rabid monkey trying to put them in. She would make all sorts of noises and swat her arms around in the air while they were settling into her eyes. I know this, because she wouldn’t go to the bath room to put them in. She would do it right out in the store. But don’t get me wrong, she was very sanitary when doing it. She literally would poor half of a mini bottle of hand sanitizer into her hands, push it around for 2 seconds and then, with her hands dripping in sanitizer would put her contacts in. She would then complain about her eyes stinging saying her contacts were “broken”. Just a guess here, Pecan Glasses…the burning could have to do with the rubbing alcohol you’re smearing your eye balls with. I’m no doctor, but just a thought. So on this particular night Scruffy Tubs took his usual 13 minutes to make one milkshake and when he gave it to the customer she asked him if he had to go milk the cow. He didn’t quite understand she was upset and making fun of how long he had taken and just grunted at her and walked away. This was his normal routine if someone confused him. So Pecan Glasses had to come over and finish the order. The customer’s friend asked for a hot fudge sundae. The customer said no nuts I believe 3 times, and I was across the store and heard it. Pecan Glasses then proceeded to pile nuts all over the sundae. As she was doing this the customer stated one last time no nuts. Pecan finally heard it, giggled a little, then pushed all the nuts off into the trash and handed her the sundae. When the customers started complaining about how bad their whole experience was, Pecan Glasses just up and walked away scratching at her eyes like a meth head who hadn’t slept in 9 days and then started yelling her eyes were on fire. This is when I decided I would swoop in to try and save the situation and get a tip. This was always the perfect situation because the second the customer realizes you’re normal and even just a little better than the last two, they instantly love you. It’s like after Bush left the White House. My dog could have gotten elected after him and everyone would have said President Muffin was the chosen savior of our country and would lead us to prosperity. It’s not exactly a tough act to follow.

Ok, all this talk of ice cream, now I want some. So I’ll end this story so I can go get some but again, I will most likely revisit more adventures of the Byrne Dairy and also of me and the one and only JoJo. I still haven’t even told you about how we metaphorically ‘dunked the shit out of one fat donut.’  Yes…it is as weird as it sounds.

My First Job

My first job was at a convenience store / gas station.  I was 16 and wanted to start saving money to move to California after high school.  My interview was what you would expect from a first interview for a 16 year old.  The manager there was young and pretty hot so I flirted with him the entire time, asked no questions that related to the job itself, asked how much I would get paid, made it clear my weekends were very important to me, and said I refuse to wear a hair net while serving ice cream or making pizza.  And when I say flirting, it was 16 year old flirting, which in fact isn’t really flirting at all.  Looking back you realize all you were doing was smiling to the point that made you look crazy, saying “like” a lot, attempting your sophisticated laugh if you thought he was telling a joke, and trying to do a seductive look which gave off the impression you must have a tick.  Ok, so maybe that was just me.  But somehow I still got the job.

I would be working at the cash register, serving ice cream, and stocking the fridge occasionally.  I am not one for manual labor so I immediately figured the ice cream and the register would be my favorites.  But I soon realized as much as I hated manual labor, I hated customers even more.  When you are a 16 year old girl the last thing you want to do is be working at the cash register in a convenience store around the corner from 4 construction companies.  You knew when it was break time for them because they would all be in there buying food and doing their best to uphold their stereotype of being dirty creepers.  So I would normally ask to work the ice cream stand or stock the fridge.  Working ice cream was the best because it was fun, easy, and you could get tips.  Well technically, you couldn’t get tips.  But who was I to stop someone from dropping me a few extra dollars just because they wanted to after I tell them, “We take tips by the way.”  I was really good at it too, but some of my co workers weren’t always the best.  One guy, who I will refer to as Scruffy Tubs due to his scruffy face and voice and his obese tubby stomach, was pure entertainment to watch.  He was incapable of keeping his jeans up, he walked at a pace that would make my 87 year old grandmother tell him to hurry it up, and he was bat shit crazy.  So when he was working ice cream a typical customer scenario would normally play out like this.  He would greet them by saying “Hi what do you want?” while leaning over the counter with his crack severely hanging out and take their order.  This order was normally needed to be repeated to Scruffy Tubs 3 times before he got it straight.  He would then turn to start making his masterpiece.  It would again take around 3 times for him to make the order correctly.  After he would screw it up he would mumble an obscenity, throw the failed effort away, pull his pants up which were now showing almost all of his ass, and start again.  Once he had successfully made the order he would give it to the customer and then the real fun began; watching him try to figure out the register.  This consisted of him smacking random buttons unsure of what they did, grunting, mumbling more obscenities, grunting some more, and then having someone come ring it up for him saying he had to go take care of something in the back.  Whoever went to ring it out was always screwed, because after ringing it out they would look around and realize it looked like a tornado hit the ice cream area.  He would somehow even make a mess of ingredients he wasn’t even using.  He could be making a medium vanilla soft serve and somehow there would be nuts, sprinkles, hard cotton candy ice cream, and marshmallow fluff everywhere.  It was actually impressive.  I miss Scruffy Tubs.

After I was working there for awhile the manager hired another younger girl who went to my school.  She was a year or two younger than me and I decided to take her under my wing.  Between the construction guys coming in and Scruffy Tubs mooning everyone in the store on a minute to minute basis, I decided as long as I liked her I would help her.  Our manager had me teach her the ice cream stand.  So I started showing her everything and as I asked her to try to do something I saw her just frozen staring into the distance like there was a train coming at her full speed ahead and she knew death was near.  I looked to the same direction and saw nothing else, but Scruffy Tubs almost full bare ass up in the air as he cleaned a spill.  Once she could get over the shock of it she made some smart ass remark and started laughing.  Ok, she definitely passes, we’re going to be friends.  Her name was Jojo which was another plus because that is one of the best names to say when you’re drunk, on a side note.  Working with her was a lot of fun and we became friends outside of work.  Our manager at first liked how we worked together thinking we were being very productive and getting a lot done and I was a good teacher for her.  In fact we were normally just hanging out in the cooler talking or “cleaning the back room”.  This was always fun because it basically meant we would just be climbing around on all the structures and unwrapping boxes of supplies which would inevitably end up in styrofoam cup wars and more of a mess then when we started.  The cooler was also fun, especially on delivery days.  Again, because it meant we got to climb around on all the crates and cases of beer.  It was like that entire store was our fort.  We were like little kids again playing in forts that we made.  Only now we were making them out of cases of beer.  Which we were also drinking from time to time.  Just like kids…drunk destructive kids who steal beer.  How I miss innocent youth.

Everyone we worked with were all characters.  It’s like the universe knew someday I would be writing comedy and just perfectly placed these people around me.  Here’s a quick rundown of the rest of the cast.  The woman who worked the overnight shift was a witch.  She practiced witchcraft with her husband, who just so happened to be a substitute teacher at my school where everyone assumed he was certifiably insane.  Her engagement ring from him was a giant teal colored fake rock looking thing that she bragged to everyone cost $23.  Next is a girl who I’m really not even sure how to begin explaining.  She was a lesbian, but talked about all of her boyfriends all the time, but said she wasn’t bi.  If you understand that please let me know and explain, thanks.  She was kind of spazzy and I just never knew what to expect with her.  My friend and I had a video project for government class in school where we had a law to do a report on.  The laws we had to show being enforced were underage drinking and stealing.  I couldn’t have chosen better ones.  I think we were supposed to do more than just show it being enforced, but our teacher loved when we would do our video projects so I am pretty sure we never actually did what was asked, but it worked out.  Whenever we had to do a project we would just get high and shoot a video roughly based around the topic she gave us and she always loved it.  So we went to my work and explained we were going to be shooting the video there and I would be a teen trying to buy alcohol and when I get turned down I would steal it.  We had the idea that I would run to the door acting like it was in slow motion as I stole the bottle of booze and Crazypants (the girl I am talking about) would chase me down and act like she tackles me and take the booze back.  Everything was running smoothly, I was doing a stellar slow motion run for the door, she was slow motion chasing me, but then she went to full speed out of nowhere, laid out horizontally in the air and straight up superman dive tackled me to the ground.  Crazypants was crazy.  So after such an ordeal, I of course took it upon myself to in fact steal the bottle after all was said and done.  I was just tackled!  I needed a drink.  Last but not least was the “mom” of the crew.  She was in fact a mom of two kids who were near my age also.  She was a teacher but wanted to pick up an extra job with her oldest going to college soon.  She was another whiz at the ice cream stand.  It would take her 5 minutes just to get the gloves on, which still wouldn’t be on by the end of the struggle anyways.  And just like Scruffy Tubs, would create a post tornado atmosphere when done.  She wore glasses which I never knew how she was able to see out of because after she was done making the ice cream she would keep the gloves on and always be touching her glasses so they were constantly fogged by blue raspberry and butter pecan.  There was nothing better than watching the two of them work together on a busy Friday night.  Jojo and I were really good working ice cream together.  We worked well together, customers liked us, and we could make a milkshake in less than 10 minutes, so that helped.  But I think everyone always wanted to see Scruffy Tubs and Pecan Glasses work together more just because of the entertainment factor.  Screw being profitable, we want to see some Scruffy Tub butt!

All in all I loved working there.  The stories I have from there are endless, so I’ll have to revisit it sometime.  Until then farewell Scruffy Tub, Pecan Glasses, Crazypants, Hot Boss, Witchcraft and Jojo.