Dear Ellen – Help Save the WPS!

I think it’s time we stopped playing games, Ellen.  Yes, I’m talking to you Ellen DeGeneres.  It’s time to stop playing hard to get and making us swoon after you.  It was cute at first, but it’s time to acknowledge how badly you want to help out women’s soccer in America.  

I have written various pieces about my quest to work with Ellen DeGeneres and how it is a journey that began years ago.  (see “Dear Ellen: Will You Be My Disco Dance Partner” and “Are You There Ellen DeGeneres? It’s Me, Amy” in previous blog entries) Now it is taking on a new form though.  I am still 110% (eh, maybe 118%) behind my idea to come on as a correspondent for The Ellen Show doing sketches and interviews surrounding women’s soccer but there is a bigger issue at hand now.   There may not even be a professional league left next season.  So there is a large group of fans who do not want to see this league fail doing everything they can do to help it succeed and continue on as a prosperous league.  There is an old expression; the pen is mightier than the sword.  Personally, if I owned a sword and knew how to use it I’d be charging in on a horse, Knight-style demanding a league.  But I do not.  I know how to write…kind of…so that’s what I’ll do.
The Women’s Professional Soccer league (WPS) is in need of a 6th owner for a new team in order for the league to continue running.  Many of us fans are reaching out to a certain celebrity, Ellen DeGeneres to help save the league and become an owner.  I have a list of reasons why Ellen should get involved.
1-      Ellen is the greatest human alive. WPS is the greatest league alive. Done deal.
2-     Ellen showed support for the US Women’s National Team this summer during their run at the World Cup.
3-     Ellen would be an entrepreneurial owner; designing the uniforms with some Ellen flare, choreographing an opening number for the team to enter the field, hiring an English DJ to entertain during halftime AND she could instate an opening monologue into soccer. (Which I suppose I could fill in for her here and there on that one.  Hint, hint.  Wink, wink.  Subtle, subtle)
4-     Ellen would be able to turn a whole new viewing audience onto women’s soccer.  The viewers are out there, but without the proper marketing, exposure and air time they will never be given the opportunity to become true fans.
5-     The world without WPS would be far less bright and would leave great sadness behind.  This would cause Ellen to have to start working overtime in order to bring more laughter and light into people’s lives where there is now a giant gaping black hole of WPS-less existence.
6-     I used Arrested Development as an analogy in my last blog about saving the WPS.  Portia De Rossi, Ellen’s wife, brilliantly acted in Arrested Development and portrayed one of my favorite characters, Lindsay Bluth.  Brilliant yet under rated show / brilliant yet under rated league.  We saw what happened there; Ellen can’t let it happen to the WPS too!  Brilliance needs to be rewarded.
7-     The WPS and Ellen are both all about good causes.  The WPS has been a strong supporter of Breast Cancer Awareness through “Project Pink” games and also various other local causes amongst the communities they play in.
8-    Piggybacking off #7…one of the teams, the Western New York Flash, held a dog day where they teamed up with the local ASPCA to find homes for animals and also encouraged dog owners to bring them out to the game.  Ellen is a HUGE advocate for animal rights and an animal lover.  The possibilities are endless in the amount of good Ellen could do through a team.
I could probably make a list to 100 if I had the time.  (Or the attention span)  But you all get the picture.  Ellen DeGeneres and the WPS would be a perfect match and I hope we get to see it happen.
Ellen, if you’re out there: Please consider this. If you need to make a pros and cons list I am more than happy to swing by your pad and speak with you.  We can make a list, have some coffee, dance, me you and Portia can go shopping, maybe play a prank on Taylor Swift…we’ll make a day of it.  After thinking about it you will see what a great opportunity this could be.  This league inspires young girls and shows them that they can succeed and live their dreams.  It inspires adults to stay active and get into shape by seeing such strength and endurance displayed.  It inspires parents to teach their kids to be healthy and active and it gives them role models for their kids to look up to.  This is a league with talent, skill, entertainment, endurance, aggression, grace, poise and it’s filled with athletes who possess all of those things plus a level head on their shoulders who are all smart, kind, and beautiful and they are idols to many.  Please help save this league and give it hope for the future. 
Call me up when you’re ready to sit down and discuss.  I’ll be by the phone in my Ellen wig dancing over a coffee table anxiously waiting. 

Also take a look….
Check out this site for sure. Great organization helping to put the word out there and gives instructions on how you can help!
Another way to help…a petition you MUST sign started by an awesome dedicated fan!
And yet…another way to help! Another petition! SIGN!

Dear Ellen – Will You Be My Disco Dance Partner?

I officially started really campaigning for my new idea to be on The Ellen DeGeneres Show recently. The idea is for me to be a correspondent for Women’s Professional Soccer next year as a lead in to doing segments for the US Women’s National Team at the Olympics next summer. America caught soccer fever this summer at the Women’s World Cup and I want to keep it going. (You can see more on this idea in my entry “Are You There Ellen DeGeneres? It’s Me Amy” and also check out the link on the right to sign the petition to help make it happen) My dream of being on Ellen originally started years ago though. So for those of you interested in where it all started I’m going to fill you in. And those of you who aren’t interested, just be honest…you clicked on the link so you must be at least a little interested.

When I was 17 I had sent my stand up comedy demo to the Caroline Rhea show. For those of you unaware, she had her own talk show in that 4pm time slot before Ellen came on the air. I had been contacted by the show in June and was asked to come on the show when it returned in September as a guest and to perform some of my stand up act. But then I soon found out it was if it returned. The show was having some major ratings issues which I couldn’t understand. How could people not watch Caroline Rhea? She was the kooky aunt in Sabrina The Teenage Witch! Come on people! But, never the less, I got a call from them in late July telling me they were going off the air and therefore I would not be brought on. I knew that could have been my big break. But I also knew I had to move on from this and keep trying. If there is one thing I am good at, it’s getting back on my feet after being knocked down – metaphorically and literally. Gravity and I just don’t always see eye to eye. So, I did just that. I brushed myself off, (I had just eaten a powdered donut) I regrouped, and I started writing again to prepare for doing another stand up show.

I continued having local success and planned my move to southern California after that. The season after Caroline Rhea went off the air, Ellen DeGeneres announced she would be launching her own talk show in place of it. I of course assumed Ellen would be knocking on my door any day to let me know I would be her first guest. She ended up going with Jennifer Aniston though. Apparently Aniston had a little more success than I, so I wasn’t too upset. I decided Ellen kind of owed me though. It may not have been her fault that Caroline Rhea went off the air, but you can understand my feeling on this. If you really love your boss, but then they get fired for doing lines of cocaine off their desk at promptly 10:30 every morning and you get a new boss, you are going to have a little resentment for the new boss because you liked the old one so much. It’s not the new boss’s fault your old boss was a coke head, but it still will take a while to come around to them. Please note I am not implying Caroline Rhea is a coke head…as far as I know. I liked the old boss; the old boss was going to make me famous. And the new boss was receiving millions of requests a day for people who wanted to meet her / be on her show / get an autograph etc. So it was near impossible to reach anyone. I still tried reaching someone on the show explaining it just seemed fair I come on as a guest. Believe it or not though, show business is not always fair and is not easy to break into. I knew I probably had better odds of being the first person to hold a disco dance party on the moon, and still do; but that doesn’t mean I’ll ever give up on my dream. Now that I think of it, I might as well start trying to make the disco party on the moon thing happen too. That would be epic.

Side note to Mom and Dad: You can rest assured I will make something of my life. I now have a back-up plan. If I do not make it as a comedian in the unpredictable world of show business I will hold the first disco dance party on the moon. You can now sleep soundly.

I had always liked watching Ellen do stand up, but had never really seen her sitcom that was on years before. So I started watching her show more and more, and the resentment soon melted away of course. Ellen has always been a favorite of mine because she is, I believe, the best at making everyday situations hilarious. She finds the subtle hilarity in everything and brings it to our attention. I have always tried to mold myself after her while keeping my own original style also. If it would help get on her show though, I have no problem sacrificing all of my own style. I will go get the Ellen haircut, dye my hair blonde, and start up an illustrious collection of awesome scarves to wear. I’ll make it a point to dance over every coffee table I encounter in order to practice my Ellen dance moves, I’ll hire a British DJ to follow me everywhere playing music, I’ll ask random people in the street to play odd Japanese game shows. I’ll do anything to make this happen…unless it involves snakes or alligators. Those things just shouldn’t be in existence.

So my quest will continue to get Ellen to notice me and put me on the show. I am like 99.9879% sure she would absolutely love me. And for those mathematicians out there, you are correct, that rounds up to 100%. In the mean time I am staying grounded and being realistic. I am taking improv classes at some of the best schools in Los Angeles, I’m continuing to write and work on my writing packet. And of course most importantly now, I am organizing which dances to highlight at ‘Amy’s Disco Dance Party On The Moon’. So keep your eyes peeled for me. I’ll either be that girl who was the correspondent on Ellen you saw on NBC or that girl who totally broke it down 70’s disco style you saw on the moon on NASA TV.

(Side note I have to bring up: As I finished writing this Ellen was on in the background and Cheryl Hines came on who I also love. Hope Solo, US goalkeeper extraordinaire, is also on the show today. So there is a female soccer player on and also Ellen gave Cheryl Hines a picture of herself doing a disco move in front of a giant disco ball. Ellen, we are made for each other. This was a sign we are meant to be together making sweet, sweet disco dance moves and beautiful comedy together some of which involving women’s soccer. Just let it happen Ellen, let it happen.)

Are You There Ellen DeGeneres? It’s Me, Amy

Dear Ellen-

Let’s dive right in here. I am a huge fan. I am a comedian. I bleed for US women’s soccer. If you add all of these things together what do you get? (Said as an overly eager and slightly obnoxious cheerleader) You get me, being your official correspondent to Women’s Professional Soccer next season and also the Olympics next summer to cover the US Women’s National Soccer Team! (Feel free to do some cheer kicks and spirit fingers in excitement over this idea. I’ll give you a moment, read on once you’re done.)

Ok, welcome back. I loved that you got into this Women’s World Cup and were tweeting your support for the team. I have loved and played soccer since I was 4. I started writing and performing comedy when I was 14. Those are the only two things in my life that I can honestly say I have ever been passionate about. There is nothing I love more than putting a smile on someone’s face and making people laugh. I always debate if I should have stuck with soccer, but I know in my heart I was meant to make people laugh and bring smiles and laughter to people’s lives. Well, that, and also play with puppies. I love puppies.

So Ellen, I am going to try in every form possible to contact you. I have a writing packet I would love to get to you as well. If you would like to read on to more of my blog entries, to get a better feel for my writing and general lack of good decision making, please do. My dream is to be successful in comedy and someday work for you and learn from you. If I could start that dream by covering women’s soccer for you, I might actually explode from excitement. Literally. But don’t let that sway you from contacting me; I will risk combustion for this. I have so many ideas for different skits, interviews, and coverage that would all be funny, entertaining, and helpful to promoting the sport and the amazing female athletes we have here playing soccer. Your show would be perfect for this idea as a brief segment from time to time covering the WPS league and possibly something for your website for the Olympics next summer. WPS needs all the support it can get and I want to help in the effort. Also, once the Olympics come I suppose I could cover some of those other sports they do there as well. I tend to forget there are other sports happening there, other than soccer. But for you, I would cover anything and everything. Except maybe pole vaulting, that looks terrifying to me.

So please have your people contact my people. I’m sorry, that’s a lie. I don’t have people. If you could get me people, that would be awesome. But I won’t push it, we can talk details later. I hope you get to see this and you see something in me and in this idea.

Thanks for inspiring comedians like me every day.


PS: Tell Portia I am super excited for the Arrested Development movie. We want the Bluth’s back!!! And also let her know she had the best chicken dance…hands down.

Late Night Entries To Ellen DeGeneres

I just got done sending my pitch to Ellen Degeneres.  This is the same idea I have been working on for a few weeks now and have sent out a couple different places.  So I am crossing my fingers and hoping she sees it and sees what an obviously unbelievable talent I am.  And also of course see my pure modesty.

While I was submitting everything to her my Internet decided to run at speeds that reminded me of when my parents first got us America Online. I was ready to throw my laptop across the room at one point. I have found though, that my writing gets better the more angry or frustrated I am.  You would think comedy…ok its fun and you should be in a fun happy mood to write it.  But nope I am at my best when I have just stubbed my toe, found out I owe $300 to the city for parking tickets, and realized that while on sleeping pills recently I sent an email to everyone I know letting them know I wet the bed until an embarrassingly late age.  If I am angry, sad, embarrassed, or hurt…it’s all gold.

The idea I sent to her is my idea about helping promote women’s soccer while also promoting my winning smile and witty dialogue of course.  Long story short, I would be a correspondent for her like she has sometimes for certain events.  But instead of sitting there screaming like a moron like most of the fans who end up doing these things, I would be interactive and have tons of ideas for interviews, skits, and video entries.  I have plenty of ideas separate from this one as well I would love to do, but this one has just really taken over all of my time. As I have stated recently, I am actually having dreams about this idea like every other night.  Of course, when I am not dreaming about this I am in fact dreaming about being the lead singer of an 80’s hair band who lives with the Golden Girls and only performs at drive in movie theaters side by side with a mime show.  You know, the usual.  Man, if I could combine the crazy ass dreams about Ellen and the WPS with the Golden Girls and 80’s hair band music with mimes it could quite possibly be the world’s most epic dream sequence.  I’ll keep you updated on if this magnificent event comes about.

So cross your fingers for my Ellen idea, and also that I get to have that dream.