A few disclaimers to begin: If you have not read my entry “My First Job”, you will not understand a lot of this. Also as much as you may be led to believe it by the title; this is not a story about cartoon characters named Amy and JoJo. We are real people. Thank you for your time.
Last time I spoke of Byrne Dairy and my first job I had told you about my buddy Scruffy Tubs. I think it is appropriate we start this off with a good Tubs story. There were two restrooms in the store, both single stall, one for men and one for women. When the women’s was out of order we were obviously forced to use the men’s. When I was in there one time I noticed the paper towel dispenser was missing and instead there was just a giant gaping hole in the wall. If you are thinking Scruffy Tubs may have something to do with this, you are correct. I came out and asked Hot Boss what had happened. Hot Boss turns into a 12 year old girl sometimes with giggle fits and this was one of those times. (Quite Anderson Cooper-esque) He shuffled me into the back room giggling and then proceeded to tell me what happened. Scruffy Tubs was in the bathroom and there was no one in the store other than him and Hot Boss. All of a sudden Hot Boss heard a crashing sound and Tubs screaming and groaning. Then he heard nothing for a couple minutes, then some more groaning and now swearing. Soon, Scruffy came around the corner from the restrooms with that look that your dog gives you when they have just come from eating your shoe or pissing all over your carpet. With his tail between his legs Scruffy Tubs said, “So, uh, boss. Uh, I um, da paper towel dispensa, uh well it’s not in da wall no mo’. See, da floor was wet and I uh, well I slipped and da paper towel dispensa broke my fall. But then it came outta da wall and then I kept fallin. And then it fell on top a me. So there’s no mo’ paper towel dispensa.” After hearing this, if I was having a bad day I would just walk past the rest room to remind myself of such a glorious story and it was an immediate pick me up.
JoJo and I were becoming better and better friends and we started hanging out outside of work. We were tired of only sharing experiences such as Tubs mooning us or Witchcraft trying to put a spell on us. Or the crazy mom of the group, who I affectionately referred to last time as Pecan Glasses (Due to her smearing pecan ice cream all over her glasses and still wearing them) telling us we shouldn’t be drinking beer in the cooler. So we began setting out on our own adventures which normally consisted of us crashing someone’s party, creating our own party, stealing beer and dressing in Mexican ponchos and sombreros of course. One specific experience comes to mind right away. JoJo and I had enjoyed one of our normal evenings of going to a party and mooching off of everyone before going back to my house. We decided we weren’t done for the evening and wanted to have a camp fire. We had a fire pit in my back yard and were all about continuing drinking and lighting that bitch up. The problem being; neither of us could make a fire that lasted more than 30 seconds. If we were lost in the woods together I would give us roughly a day and a half before death occurs. We would build up the logs and toss a match or two in and then some news paper but it just would never catch. So being the drunken resourceful little thinker that I am, I went inside and grabbed anything I could find in an aerosol can that said “Highly Flammable”. When I came back out I just started spraying everything in the fire pit with said cans, took another sip of beer, prayed to the fire gods, and then tossed a match in. It basically created 4 seconds of massive flames which tried attacking my face and then went back to nothing. Fail. But after some perseverance, another 6 pack between us, and some more flammable liquids we finally had a fire going.
We were sitting on a picnic bench with our backs to the fire having a few drinks. All I can really say about what happened next is that gravity and I were just not on the same page that night. Gravity won. To be fair, gravity had a 12 pack on its side working against me as well. I fell backwards, basically inches from the fire. My legs were still up on the picnic bench while my elbows were holding my body up from lying in fire basically. JoJo decided as this was all happening that she had to pee. This couldn’t wait apparently. Not only did she choose the bathroom over her fallen sidekick, but she chose it while laughing hysterically at me lying in a fire. Granted, I was laughing as well. I’ll be fair here; it wasn’t like I was being burned at the stake when she left. I was a moderately safe distance from the flames. So as I lay in my back yard, by myself, at 3am, inches from flames eating my face; I thought about my options. I realized if I moved either of my arms it would result in me falling directly into the flames because they were all that was supporting me. I also realized I was way too drunk to navigate this situation on my own. I don’t make the best decisions sober, so when I need to make them while drinking I usually just don’t decide and wait for someone else to do it for me. But once again, being the smart little drunken resourceful thinker that I am, I discovered a beer close by. It was close enough that I could keep my arm planted to hold my body away from ensuing death, but also grab the refreshing beverage. I mean, I was lying in a fire…it was hot, give me a break. So when JoJo came back out she found me still lying in the fire pit, but drinking a beer. As she continued hysterically laughing at me she came over to help now that her bladder was empty and she was capable of doing such. Thanks JoJo, you saved not only me, but also that Bud Light. You’re a true friend for life.
When we weren’t crusading around town dressing as Mexicans and drinking we were back to the grind at work watching the circus ensue. Pecan Glasses and Scruffy Tubs were working the ice cream stand one night and they were both on their ‘A’ game. Pecan Glasses no longer wanted to be Pecan Glasses. She had gotten contacts but still hadn’t mastered them. When I say she hadn’t mastered them I mean she looked like a rabid monkey trying to put them in. She would make all sorts of noises and swat her arms around in the air while they were settling into her eyes. I know this, because she wouldn’t go to the bath room to put them in. She would do it right out in the store. But don’t get me wrong, she was very sanitary when doing it. She literally would poor half of a mini bottle of hand sanitizer into her hands, push it around for 2 seconds and then, with her hands dripping in sanitizer would put her contacts in. She would then complain about her eyes stinging saying her contacts were “broken”. Just a guess here, Pecan Glasses…the burning could have to do with the rubbing alcohol you’re smearing your eye balls with. I’m no doctor, but just a thought. So on this particular night Scruffy Tubs took his usual 13 minutes to make one milkshake and when he gave it to the customer she asked him if he had to go milk the cow. He didn’t quite understand she was upset and making fun of how long he had taken and just grunted at her and walked away. This was his normal routine if someone confused him. So Pecan Glasses had to come over and finish the order. The customer’s friend asked for a hot fudge sundae. The customer said no nuts I believe 3 times, and I was across the store and heard it. Pecan Glasses then proceeded to pile nuts all over the sundae. As she was doing this the customer stated one last time no nuts. Pecan finally heard it, giggled a little, then pushed all the nuts off into the trash and handed her the sundae. When the customers started complaining about how bad their whole experience was, Pecan Glasses just up and walked away scratching at her eyes like a meth head who hadn’t slept in 9 days and then started yelling her eyes were on fire. This is when I decided I would swoop in to try and save the situation and get a tip. This was always the perfect situation because the second the customer realizes you’re normal and even just a little better than the last two, they instantly love you. It’s like after Bush left the White House. My dog could have gotten elected after him and everyone would have said President Muffin was the chosen savior of our country and would lead us to prosperity. It’s not exactly a tough act to follow.
Ok, all this talk of ice cream, now I want some. So I’ll end this story so I can go get some but again, I will most likely revisit more adventures of the Byrne Dairy and also of me and the one and only JoJo. I still haven’t even told you about how we metaphorically ‘dunked the shit out of one fat donut.’ Yes…it is as weird as it sounds.