Hope Solo Will Dance Your Face Off

After 13 seasons of reality “stars”, musical has-beens, acting has-beens, retired athletes, current athletes, and Bristol Palin…I, Amy Maestri, for the first time will be watching this season of Dancing With The Stars. I try to avoid most competition based reality shows like Jessica Simpson avoids books. But this season they got one of the very few people I would actually watch for, Hope Solo. After last night I think she’s capable to win the whole thing without a doubt. I mean really, let’s take a look at her “competition”.

Carson Kressley-

He could be a bit of an obstacle for Solo, not going to lie. He is a flamboyantly fabulous gay man with pizzazz that lasts for days. Dancing With The Stars is a show where people prance around in sequins and shiny outfits. It was a match made in heaven. Let’s just hope he forgets he’s the man in the pair and starts dancing the female part and screws it up.

Chaz Bono-

Either the people saying, “ABC is going to burn in hell and the devil will seize your home and your family if you stare at Chaz Bono directly.” Will win and he will go home early. Or the people parading in the streets singing Cher songs in joyous triumph that he is on the show will win and he will stick around.

Chynna Phillips-

Unless she is going to sing some of her parents’ Mama’s and Papa’s jams then I don’t even want to acknowledge her.

David Arquette-

Can someone please convince Courtney Cox to get back together with him and write a Scream 17, or whatever number they’re on? Please, occupy his time elsewhere. Thank you.

Elisabetta Canalis-

Umm, nice job being George Clooney’s ex arm candy?

J.R. Martinez-

I’m still trying to figure out who the hell this guy is.

Kristin Cavallari-

First of all, I found it interesting that Rob Kardashian was introduced as a reality star and she was introduced as a TV star. When do you graduate from reality star to TV star if you still have yet to do scripted TV? I missed the ceremony for her I guess. All I know about her is that her name makes me want calamari.

Nancy Grace-

I had always just assumed Nancy Grace had no legs. I can’t even comment on her dancing or her fans because I am still so weirded out about seeing her out from behind a desk. She also terrifies me, so that’s all I’m going to say here.

Ricki Lake-

I’m going down the list on the ABC site to get all the names right for this list. I’ll be honest, as I saw her name I realized I had already forgotten she was on the show.

Rob Kardashian-

All of his sisters were there, his mom was there, Lamar Odom was there, but he is apparently doing this to step out from his family’s shadow. He said he wanted to get out of his sisters’ shadows. So he made the logical choice to do the same show his sister Kim, did previously. (Snooki, if you are reading this, I recommend you thank Rob Kardashian profusely because he actually just made you look smart with that one.)

Ron Artest / World Metta Peace or whatever he’s calling himself now-

Do I really even need to comment on this one? He looked like a coked up Dennis Rodman wearing an Aladdin vest trying to sexually assault his dance partner last night.

Now onto the main event: Hope Solo. She nailed her steps, got good comments from the judges, looked totally cool and collected, and oh yea…she looked a-ma-zing! She looks like if a runway model and a body builder had a love child. She’s tall, lean, gorgeous eyes, long arms, beautiful smile, and could kick everyone’s ass on that stage including Ron Artest and all 7 of his personalities.

My prediction is she’s got this in the bag. Not only did she get a top score last night, but she also has the best fans in the entire world. Her fans love her as much as I wish I could figure out what Nancy Grace’s hot Irish partner was saying last night. She will do her part and kill it on the dance floor each week and her fans will take care of the rest.

So best of luck Hope and Maks, I know you will do ‘Soccer Fans’ and ‘Hot Russian Guy’ fans proud and win this thing.

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Amy Maestri

Writer / actress / producer.

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