Dear Ellen – Will You Be My Disco Dance Partner?

I officially started really campaigning for my new idea to be on The Ellen DeGeneres Show recently. The idea is for me to be a correspondent for Women’s Professional Soccer next year as a lead in to doing segments for the US Women’s National Team at the Olympics next summer. America caught soccer fever this summer at the Women’s World Cup and I want to keep it going. (You can see more on this idea in my entry “Are You There Ellen DeGeneres? It’s Me Amy” and also check out the link on the right to sign the petition to help make it happen) My dream of being on Ellen originally started years ago though. So for those of you interested in where it all started I’m going to fill you in. And those of you who aren’t interested, just be honest…you clicked on the link so you must be at least a little interested.

When I was 17 I had sent my stand up comedy demo to the Caroline Rhea show. For those of you unaware, she had her own talk show in that 4pm time slot before Ellen came on the air. I had been contacted by the show in June and was asked to come on the show when it returned in September as a guest and to perform some of my stand up act. But then I soon found out it was if it returned. The show was having some major ratings issues which I couldn’t understand. How could people not watch Caroline Rhea? She was the kooky aunt in Sabrina The Teenage Witch! Come on people! But, never the less, I got a call from them in late July telling me they were going off the air and therefore I would not be brought on. I knew that could have been my big break. But I also knew I had to move on from this and keep trying. If there is one thing I am good at, it’s getting back on my feet after being knocked down – metaphorically and literally. Gravity and I just don’t always see eye to eye. So, I did just that. I brushed myself off, (I had just eaten a powdered donut) I regrouped, and I started writing again to prepare for doing another stand up show.

I continued having local success and planned my move to southern California after that. The season after Caroline Rhea went off the air, Ellen DeGeneres announced she would be launching her own talk show in place of it. I of course assumed Ellen would be knocking on my door any day to let me know I would be her first guest. She ended up going with Jennifer Aniston though. Apparently Aniston had a little more success than I, so I wasn’t too upset. I decided Ellen kind of owed me though. It may not have been her fault that Caroline Rhea went off the air, but you can understand my feeling on this. If you really love your boss, but then they get fired for doing lines of cocaine off their desk at promptly 10:30 every morning and you get a new boss, you are going to have a little resentment for the new boss because you liked the old one so much. It’s not the new boss’s fault your old boss was a coke head, but it still will take a while to come around to them. Please note I am not implying Caroline Rhea is a coke head…as far as I know. I liked the old boss; the old boss was going to make me famous. And the new boss was receiving millions of requests a day for people who wanted to meet her / be on her show / get an autograph etc. So it was near impossible to reach anyone. I still tried reaching someone on the show explaining it just seemed fair I come on as a guest. Believe it or not though, show business is not always fair and is not easy to break into. I knew I probably had better odds of being the first person to hold a disco dance party on the moon, and still do; but that doesn’t mean I’ll ever give up on my dream. Now that I think of it, I might as well start trying to make the disco party on the moon thing happen too. That would be epic.

Side note to Mom and Dad: You can rest assured I will make something of my life. I now have a back-up plan. If I do not make it as a comedian in the unpredictable world of show business I will hold the first disco dance party on the moon. You can now sleep soundly.

I had always liked watching Ellen do stand up, but had never really seen her sitcom that was on years before. So I started watching her show more and more, and the resentment soon melted away of course. Ellen has always been a favorite of mine because she is, I believe, the best at making everyday situations hilarious. She finds the subtle hilarity in everything and brings it to our attention. I have always tried to mold myself after her while keeping my own original style also. If it would help get on her show though, I have no problem sacrificing all of my own style. I will go get the Ellen haircut, dye my hair blonde, and start up an illustrious collection of awesome scarves to wear. I’ll make it a point to dance over every coffee table I encounter in order to practice my Ellen dance moves, I’ll hire a British DJ to follow me everywhere playing music, I’ll ask random people in the street to play odd Japanese game shows. I’ll do anything to make this happen…unless it involves snakes or alligators. Those things just shouldn’t be in existence.

So my quest will continue to get Ellen to notice me and put me on the show. I am like 99.9879% sure she would absolutely love me. And for those mathematicians out there, you are correct, that rounds up to 100%. In the mean time I am staying grounded and being realistic. I am taking improv classes at some of the best schools in Los Angeles, I’m continuing to write and work on my writing packet. And of course most importantly now, I am organizing which dances to highlight at ‘Amy’s Disco Dance Party On The Moon’. So keep your eyes peeled for me. I’ll either be that girl who was the correspondent on Ellen you saw on NBC or that girl who totally broke it down 70’s disco style you saw on the moon on NASA TV.

(Side note I have to bring up: As I finished writing this Ellen was on in the background and Cheryl Hines came on who I also love. Hope Solo, US goalkeeper extraordinaire, is also on the show today. So there is a female soccer player on and also Ellen gave Cheryl Hines a picture of herself doing a disco move in front of a giant disco ball. Ellen, we are made for each other. This was a sign we are meant to be together making sweet, sweet disco dance moves and beautiful comedy together some of which involving women’s soccer. Just let it happen Ellen, let it happen.)

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Amy Maestri

Writer / actress / producer.

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